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Anodyne Sea; It's finally here
Topic Started: Tuesday, 19. October 2010, 10:48 (1,168 Views)
Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
It's finally here, and I have worked my butt off. It's around 27000 words, which is half of a NaNo novel. That's still over 90 pages.

So you're going to want some basic knowledge of mythology to truly appreciate this, since it's about ye olde Greek gods. That's ok though. We're all nerds here, right?

THIS IS NOT A RIP OFF OF PERCY JACKSON
THIS IS NOT A RIP OFF OF PERCY JACKSON
THIS IS NOT A RIP OFF OF PERCY JACKSON

Ok, do we have that out of the way? lol. Yes, it's an original story. No, it's not written period. I don't speak Greek. Actually, a lot of it happens in London. And outer space.

Interested yet?

This stared off as my school mythology project where I said "I might as well write a story. It's better than a poster." Basically I'm over a week late but my teacher gave me an extension so it's all good. A lot of this is explained in the author's note which is pretty long so I'm gonna keep this short. It's one of my infamous satires, but it's not a funny satire. Sure there are some funny parts. It's a different type of satire, one with a serious meaning. You'll have to read it to find out.

In some ways it's actually my best work yet. There are so many different and strange ideas I've put into this, and I've been doing nothing but eat, sleep, poop, and write Anodyne Sea for the past 3 weeks. I seriously need to practice guitar, which I will do tomorrow, after I sleep. Finishing Anodyne Sea today required an all-nighter.

Now I know the plot needs straightening out and there may be some grammar errors. Please point those out to me. I need to know them. I'd suggest that if you're going to review it, or give a critique, do it chapter by chapter and watch the story unfold. I want really detailed, really scathing reviews because if I decide to rewrite this, I want it to be awesome. A lot of you guys are really good reviewers so please use those skills on me.

Also discuss the meaning of the story. It has a LOT of them. This is a lot of thoughts and feelings I have, plus ones I don't, and other "what if" stuff that I think accidentally came out real nice.

Also, there is character development in some characters, but the story is more about the the nobility of the characters who don't develop.

What?

Read it. All at once or a chapter a day. I want as much feedback as you can give me, but I also want you to really enjoy reading this.

If it offends you somehow, or disturbs you, good. That means it got you thinking. Tell me about it, though. That's the entire point of a satire. Using sarcasm to improve society.

many points could be interpreted as the climax but be ready to cry at the ending. I cried when I wrote it. Seriously. But maybe that's cuz it was 330 AM and I really like my characters.

Wow, that was a really long post. But that's because I'm really proud of it. Because I'm really proud of it and want to improve, feel free to do constructive criticism and even ridicule it.

And, the version I turned in has my actual name on it. other than that there's no difference.

Seeya later.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
It doesn't really matter to me but you left my real name in. Like a lot of times. :)

Anyway I'm reading it now, and I'll add feedback to this post when I'm done. Looks great, I am psyched for this.


The very first thing I'd like to tell you is that I wasn't rooting for Eveline. At all. I know she was supposed to be this awesome girl but somehow after she got mad at him for spacing out I had her pegged as kind of a bea.
And I was TOTALLY 'shipping Tarrent and Iris. I mean srs. I half expected you to kill off Eveline halfway through so that would work out, but you didn't, and I was actually kind of disappointed, heh.

I'll get to the rest, but I don't have much time now, and this is prolly my most important criticism. So. Continuing in that vein. The ending was VERY confusing for me. First Tarrent goes all gooey for Evangeline Eveline, which makes sense, and then Tarrent goes all gooey for Iris (I thought you were going to stop there, but you didn't...) and then Evangeline Eveline has an epiphany and has the thing with Ocean (btw, I didn't understand that character at all, but more on that in a sec), calling back to when Tarrent did it... I was just really confused. If you're going to make Tarrent's last moments be cheating on his girlfriend with the girl he should have been with all along, don't immediately make me feel guilty for being happy about that by cutting to said girlfriend, blissfully unaware. I don't think you really meant for the end to be depressing in that way.

In fact, taken on its own merits, that last scene with Tarrent and Iris is really powerful. I just think it's completely out of character for them.

Reading over it again, I'm not sure whether the fact that he couldn't promise Eveline anything when she said she'd always love him is significant. I mean, a quarter-page later he's smitten with Iris. Things that important just don't change that fast. And if he's been feeling it for a while, FLUFF, he's an idiot for not making up his mind sooner / being honest with Evangeline Eveline (I really have problems with that name z) / whatever. I really liked him until that scene, but then he comes across as kind of an ass, and I feel really sorry for Iris for falling in love with him.

Moving right along. Ocean. I don't understand the capitalisation, I mean yes I got that it's kind of a metaphor for god, but the capitalisation denotes something that's super-important, and... Ocean only ever seemed to matter to Tarrent, and Eveline at the very end. If you're going to have a character like that, one that is obviously powerful and important and something I should care about and pay attention to, you HAVE to make other people care too. Otherwise it just doesn't matter.

Scratch that. I don't understand any of the capitalisation. Are they all the same being or what? Separate but equally important? Explain it to me.

More when I return.
Edited by Cow!, Tuesday, 19. October 2010, 22:21.
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
Do not open this spoiler if you haven't read the story yet. Seriously. You'll ruin the whole thing.
Spoiler: click to toggle


I wait eagerly for your more detailed review of the individual parts, if you feel liked doing them. I'll definitely do that for you. You are doing NaNo.

Oh, and thanks! I appreciate the quick but very good review :)
Edited by Warrior Poet, Thursday, 21. October 2010, 03:03.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
@name: izzalright. Like I said, it's not a big thing. But whatever.

@Eveline: I actually love the name. It just confuses me :) I get that she's flawed and average, and that's great. That your characters are human is the highest praise I can give you, and you've got that. The problem is this: I understand that Tarrent is devoted to her, I just don't understand WHY. The only things I know about her are unimportant or negative. You have to give me SOME reason to be rooting for her.

@T/I/E: Yes, that's fine, but again, I don't understand why. He feels for Iris, and he feels for Eveline, and he can't be bothered to choose which one he feels for more ignore me I'm biased against this situation.

@ocean: I have no problem with that. But you have to make it clear to me, the reader, that you are referencing a deity. I have no idea what's going on in your head, I only know about these pesky little words that you write out for me. Always always always assume I'm stupider than I am. Explaining things will never hurt.

@Tarrent: :)

@end: I'd like to see you revise that, hm. Only if you feel like it though. It's a lovely idea, and it could be a great ending, but I got hung up feeling frustrated about the love triangle and that spoiled it for me.


I was going to write more of a review and then I realized I was just being bitchy, so instead of picking at you I'll tell you what I liked. You have a wonderful story here that kept me reading right to the end, when I was supposed to be doing schoolwork, and I really wanted to see how it would finish. I cared about all the characters, though I didn't necessarily like them; they were all really well written and rounded (apart from Eveline, mmph, but I'll overlook that). The plot was interesting, there was enough suspense to keep me wondering, but not so much that I lost patience with the story. The gods were awesome and believable. I love what you did with the poetry... reading over Hope at the end was a really cool experience. The way you interpreted it was completely different from the way I had intended it, but at the same time exactly the same... and you tied it into the story really well. Your imagery was beautiful. Um um, I'd better stop aweing before everyone thinks I've lost my mind. But that's what I'm doing: I'm aweing.
Edited by Cow!, Wednesday, 20. October 2010, 03:29.
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
gosh isn't anyone else going to reply? Come on people :P Ya know what? We really should have wrapped our reviews in spoiler tags. Seriously. too late now though.
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oh yeah. How long did you take to read it?
Edited by Warrior Poet, Thursday, 21. October 2010, 03:02.
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Cow!
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Moojestic Queen Moomay the Resplendent and Hot
If some child is ridiculous enough to read the comments before the actual story, they deserve a few spoilers. :)


@Eveline: You don't have to add more scenes with her, you just have to make the ones you have a little deeper. Let her be nice or happy or sweet or whatever it is she is to him. I need to see it.

@∆: Um. Ten? ._. I have some bones to pick.

@everything else: I look forward to reading the next draft, if there is one :)
Also, yaaay.
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Warrior Poet
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there certainly will be but it won't be really soon. nano's coming up. wanna tell me about each of those bones?
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Cow!
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Perhaps some other time. :)
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Warrior Poet
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lol ok, we'll give your brain a rest
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Harket
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asian
Hi :) I am now attempting to read this awesome story :P

My only problem? The File is so huge or my computer is so malfunctional, it aint opening, SO you can wait for me to be done with reading this then giving you really ad critique cos i aint really good at it:) Yah. :P

Luv Luv. :ballerina:
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Warrior Poet
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the file is'nt huge, its less than half a megabyte. try out Foxit PDF Reader, it works perfectly
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Harket
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But its not opening D:

Lemme try again.
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Warrior Poet
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*sigh* and this topic was for actual reviews.lol. what are you trying to open it with?
*sigh* and this topic was for actual reviews.lol. what are you trying to open it with?
Edited by Warrior Poet, Tuesday, 26. October 2010, 19:47.
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Warrior Poet
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So it would be really sweet if some of you read this, but today I'd like to announce that i printed it for my grandpa. Check it...
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Edited by Warrior Poet, Saturday, 25. December 2010, 04:21.
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Cow!
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+1 for needing a new ink cartridge ;D
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Warrior Poet
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It actually didn't run out XD
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Harket
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asian
What happened to
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And please, please, please don't try to print it.
:P

Anyway, thought you might want to know that I WILL read this. Actually, am reading it now. It loads! :o Also, if i print it out, how many pages will it be? Cause i seriously have a thing about reading stuff online - i cant do it, or not for very long, anyway. My eyes go... weird.

ALSO IM GOING TO A CHRISTMAS DINNER SO CRIT TMR OR AS SOON AS I CAN, KAY? :D
Edited by Harket, Sunday, 26. December 2010, 10:15.
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Warrior Poet
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Christmas dinner is a win. The tradition at my house is Mexican food, so I had 8 tacos. Lol. It's a good tradition lol. But at Grandma's house on Christmas Eve we had ham, nomnom.

Well, Grandpa doesn't have a computer XD. It'll be 88 pages if you print it. If you put page numbers on it, it'll be 92. You can print it, lol, but prepare to need new ink.
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Harket
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HAIIIIII. :D

I have no idea where i read up to. But I'll just comment on what i did. :)
May i ask - why thanks to Peter Pan?

WHOO MOOMAY! YOU'RE THERE! GASP!

Quote:
 
The royal court watched in fascination for hours before they ran.
This is epic, thank you very much. I had alot of fun reading this. ;D

So, basically. This chapter, so far. I didn't really get anything until the part he killed his father, but i gather that's the MAIN bit, and so... yea. But it was a little confusing, like, everywhere, so even when i read it again I didnt understand. Or maybe i have a weird brain. But, really. There is alot of wine, zeus is holding some huge cup but doesnt want to be found out, then Prometheus does something and i dont know if he;s good or bad, and... yea. I didnt really get it. but i got the gist, i guess, so izzalright. Just thoguht you migh want to know.

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three Cyclopes and Epimethius lost their grip on the throne and begin their own descent, but Prometheus held on as it toppled to the ground
SO, yea, i didnt get this either. Or anything that came after. What rock? Um... confubnush. So this WHOLE chapter was really cool, but i didnt get it. My fault, not yours, so. :)
SPANANCY WHATS HAPPENING AHHHH. See? Now i understnad AND you;ve drawed me in! Whoop! I was wondering what he was asking. When i found out i was like- aww, so sweet! <3 So, everything;s great and flowy and boomz till
Quote:
 
Hermes blanched. That was the hard part.
Which is what you meant to do, right? It's meant to cut into the story. And you did that beautifully. So. WHOOP!

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Hermes wondered how something could have so much vitality and still have so much mortality.
I liked this. I mean really, really liked this. Made me think a little of Jesus. But not exactly the same, so. Also nice description of the bird. You came back to it later, so i was wondering if it was of any importance or you just wanted Hermes to be thinking about stuff like a normal person would.

Aww, he has to deliver them by hand? I bet he got teased to no end by the other Gods. :P

People watched it? Wow stressful. But then and again, if it took THIRTY MINUTES I'm sure there was LOTS of time for people to gather and bet over whether he would be accepted. ;D

Sunlight and hope? Ooh, pretty. :) Also, i loled at the mental note thing. ;D

Rainforest FTW!~

Aww, 200 years? He must really love her! So why did he think he wouldnt be able to keep his promise to love her and her only?

That, is QUITE a well, interesting meeting and experience, i i do say so myself.
Also i read way more then that - but i'm kind of distracted now, so - more tomorrow, maybe? Thanks for writing this! :)
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Warrior Poet
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Looks liek you read...not much of it. But that's good! I haven't gotten any small-scale feedback yet, so this is nice.

Peter pan? Seriously, I have no idea. I don't remember at all. XD

Sorry about the intro. The rest is less conbfish. This is the greek creation myth, three generations into the universe's existience. Mythology nerds like myself (and cow and aphrodite), and most importantly my English teacher know this myth and will get it, so. There's a version of it in Percy jackson which I haven't read - my 9 year old brother told me this. Except they replace the wine with mustard, and Zeus throws up instead of getting sliced. The stone is there because Gaia tricked Kronos into eating that instead of Zeus. Kronos ate all his kids as soon as they were born so they couldn't overthrow him just as he overthrew his father.

-after the divider...huh? Oh well. Glad I've drawn you in. It's actually not the main point of the story there but it does play a part. Glad I got a <3.

-Jesus - This story does have Christian themes in it - it's hard not to write about what you think about...well, the entire universe, and good and evil, and love, and existience...without showing you believe. And I wouldn't have any other way :wub:

But Hermes wasn't meant to be like Jesus. You'll get to know him better :)

Hm, stressful is his middle name.

Yeah, I love Iris.

And you're welcome! never really thought about the reader thanking the writer. Thanks for reading :)
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Warrior Poet
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I'd like to announce that after about 3 weeks, Grandpa has read...17 pages of it.

Man, that's depressing. I can count the people who have read the whole thing on one hand!
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Harket
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asian
WELL I LOVE YOU AND ILL READ THIS SATURDAY. STARTING NOW.
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Warrior Poet
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THX SWEETIE

Also, that made no sense
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Harket
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asian
Just pretend. :)

ANyway, ive read up to the bit where A'dite hits Hera with teh arrow. :) ITS FREAKING AWESOME DUDE. I will review come Saturday.
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
Thanks, can't wait :)
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Harket
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Hey, so i promised, which is why im going to beat myself up over it.

I cou;ldnt get to the com today - used it at 7, went to school, returned to other home and then CLEANING ALL THE WAY TILL NOW where i'm having a really, really bad headache. :/

So im feeling rather SUPER bad about it, and im REALLY SORRY! Tmr ive got church ->tuition->party so i cant get on, that'll take the whole day. I will try to wake at like 6am, though, and see if i can do it, kay? IM REALLY SORRY! :( If not i will DIEDIE get SOME at least of it done by monday. pinkypinkypinky promise!

Headache is real bad now, talk about this some other time. Slepping at 8.30pm - D: Sad life that i live. Night!

**SORRY! :( **
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
Sweetdang
Saturday, 22. January 2011, 12:32
Hey, so i promised, which is why im going to beat myself up over it.

I cou;ldnt get to the com today - used it at 7, went to school, returned to other home and then CLEANING ALL THE WAY TILL NOW where i'm having a really, really bad headache. :/

So im feeling rather SUPER bad about it, and im REALLY SORRY! Tmr ive got church ->tuition->party so i cant get on, that'll take the whole day. I will try to wake at like 6am, though, and see if i can do it, kay? IM REALLY SORRY! :( If not i will DIEDIE get SOME at least of it done by monday. pinkypinkypinky promise!

Headache is real bad now, talk about this some other time. Slepping at 8.30pm - D: Sad life that i live. Night!

**SORRY! :( **
wow, chill. it's fine. you know how mellow i am. it's not like i'll die, so you don't either.
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Warrior Poet
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This topic was last replied to in January, and it is still on the front page. That is not right. Not one bit.

Anyway, has anyone read it in that time? XD. That would be too much luck.

I'm gonna check out some of the shorter stuff around here while I can :)
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Harket
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asian
Yes. But I fail because I don't comment. It's really intriguing though. Makes me wonder what goes on in your head.
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Warrior Poet
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If you lead me, I will go.
Those particular two weeks? Man, it was insanity.
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